Well folks…as you may know from reading my FB, I’ve reached my 265 lb goal. I’m calling this a 95 lb weight loss, even though I only have documented proof of 80 lbs of it…I know I was around 360 when I started kungfu…and that’s what I’m using as the starting point for my weight loss journey.
I like to reflect on things whenever I get through something difficult. For some people weight loss may not be difficult…but this time through has been the single most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do, but it was pretty much only mental. I’ve half heartedly made attempts to loose weight in the past with some success, but not really. As apparent, I was pretty serious about it this time…but what made it so difficult was my unending desire to binge snack. It’s what has been my stress reliever for most of my life and I’ve been denying myself that stress relief for almost a year now.
What did I do so different this time? Honestly I think it was when I started really paying attention to the calories I consume vs the calories I burn in a day by day basis. When I really looked at the food I was eating and the amount of calories in it and I used a fitness band to track the calories I burned during exercise to get a good idea of how much I was really burning through…rather than just guessing…I finally understood that pizza was really some destructive nasty stuff that was invented by aliens to fatten humans up for feasting on. Ok, not really…but I understood that if I was going eat half a large pizza, I probably just consumed 5000-8000 calories (depending on the pizza) and that I now had a debt of 1 1/2 – 2 1/2 days of calories to burn through…which often changed my mind about eating pizza because unless it’s some DAMN good stuff, no pizza is worth 2 days of working out. 😛
When I started thinking like that, that’s when I could see a major change in my weight loss pattern. It was fairly consistent from 340 all the way down to 280…almost clockwork like. Just about 1 lb a day was melting off as long as I stuck to my excercise and didn’t stray from eating good foods. At 280 I hit a wall. It took me almost a month to start loosing weight again. I don’t know what the wall was…I was doing all the same things…there was some medical issues going on around the same time frame that I’m guessing was contributing to it but it never stopped me from doing anything so I don’t know…my body just had a stubborn spot I guess.
So the man in the mirror no longer matches the man I see in my head. Not even close. When I make a facial expression and I catch a glimps of myself in a mirror doing it, I don’t look at all like I imagine I do…and it’s throwing me for quite a loop. I feel akward and not myself…which is ok because I wasn’t happy with myself before so I should be ok with not feeling like myself…but I’m kinda uneasy.
I should feel confident and victorious. I thought the moment I hit 265 that I would scream out in celebration enough to wake the house…but what really happened was I smiled for a minute and caught a glimpse of that smile in the mirror and it looked like someone else was smiling…and it freaked me out a little.
I may have the fortitude, willpower, strength of character…the “whatever” it is to have accomplished this amazing feat of loosing all that weight naturally with no surgery or weight lose pills or crap like that. I’m so proud of that. However…what I realize is that I did not gain any confidence. I think everyone still looks at me and is thinking “what a fatty”. I suppose I need to give it time to grow…time for my minds image to catch up with my physical one…but I’m giving as honest of an accounting of what I’m thinking and feeling as I can.
So now I adjust to my new lifestyle. It wasn’t a diet, it was a life changing and life saving adjustment in my eating habits. It wasn’t just working out to lose weight, it’s changing myself to being an active person vs a sedentary one. I hope someday I’ll loose the desire to snack…so far that’s been the hardest thing to swallow so to speak is that I miss binge snacking. :-\
And also…now it’s time to start finding that confidence. That’s going to be a longer more difficult journey…but it’s one I need to make for the EXACT same reasons I did the weight loss and why I’m doing the grappling tourneyment. To give my children the best possible example to follow that I can…and to give them the hardest, most difficult target for them to one day surpass.
I know I said it on FB…but I’m going to say it again here…thank you to everyone who gave me even the smallest amount of encouragment. I used it all. You guys are all my heroes.
A special thanks goes out to:
- My wife – she has been putting my with my determination which at times is a bitter pill to take. I’m stubborn, thick headed, and think I know better than I do. She weathered the storm and kept beating it into my head about eating better and watching my calories…maybe even creating a monster in the process so to speak…but I couldn’t have done it without her. She’s very much the backbone to our family and she’s a pillar to my success. I could not be who I am now without her.
- My kids – nothing has inspired me to get off my butt and lose the weight until my kiddos came into my life and were there with me everyday…and I realized that I couldn’t keep up with them and I had to do something about it. Watching how much they respond and copy the things I do is all it took to inspire me to be better so that they’ll want to be better. I know I’m their image for how to be a man, I see them copy the things I do all the time…I’m 100% determined to be the best image I can be for them.
- Sifu – Through my grumpiness, whining, injuries, constant questions, and general craziness…Sifu has nudged me, pushed me, and sometimes shoved me to being a better person. He’s one of the templates I use to figure out what I want to be for my kids…he has become another pillar to my success and I will give credit where it’s due. I never thought in a million years I’d actually get to 265…but he never had a doubt. I’ve come to enjoy and rely on his wisdom, advice, and humor in more than just kungfu and look forward to whenever I’m heading out to his training compound. You are a big part of what helped turn my life around.
- The Kungfu Crew – Gabe, Tim, Jeff, Nikki, Leo, Wolf, Lexi, Vlad, Olga, Steve, Ian, Andy, Carl, the list could go on and on and on…you guys are all the best…I know I am a pain in the butt to deal with sometimes…thank you all so much for pushing me to be better, for challanging me to reach a little further, and giving me such a huge wide range of champion attitudes to draw knowledge and advice from. You guys are an amazing group of friends and I will bust my ass to be as great of a training partner to you all as you’ve been to me…I will work to be that inspiration in you as well.
Ok…now to train for November and kick some ass! 🙂
Toffer's Brain 